OK GO at Oxford Art Factory

My editor had promised me a ticket to see OK GO at Oxford Art Factory… But it was 48 hours to the gig and that fat bastard wasn’t answering his phone. So I did what any penniless writer with a desire to see a band would do… I sucked some cock.

However, the cock in question was far more proverbial than the usual phallus, and it came in the form of a competition.

The comp asked kids to explain “The gnarliest thing you’ve ever done on a treadmill.” Noticing a void of any word limit, this is how I saw OK GO for free:

On 16/02/10 1:33 PM, “Simon Hills-Johnes” wrote:

From: Simon Hills-Johnes
Date: 16 February 2010 13:33
Subject: OK GO
To: winstuff@oxfordartfactory.com

Hello There,

The gnarliest thing I’ve ever done a treadmill, is also the gnarliest thing I’ve ever done.
You see, between the Summer of ’73 and the Winter of ’84, I actually traveled around the world on a customised treadmill.

The treadmill in question was a ’73 model Sole, which I’m sure you’ll remember was not only the best treadmill on the market at the time, but it was also easy to customise and was therefore a huge success in the treadmill travel market. The brand was quite new to the market in the early 70′s, so the big wigs at Sole were keen to make a splash in the travel treadmill market by offering plenty of incredible additional parts for treadmill travel enthusiasts like myself.

My particular machine, was equipped not only with off road tyres and aircraft suspension (similar to a design used by Boeing in the late 60s), but I equipped my ‘Tread-rig’ (a term we enthusiasts coined to refer to severely customised treadmills) with a flotation system that allowed me to use my tread-rig for aquatic adventuring. On top of all this, I attached a series of self-defense options for traversing the more ‘rough-neck’ sections on the globe, where my safety would be an issue.

The route I took was the standard Americas, Europe, Africa route chosen by many treadmill travelers, only mine incorporated more sea travel (and may I say, you’ll never know true fear until you’ve navigated Cape Horn on a treadmill). Along the way I met several interesting characters, including (but not limited to) Fidel Castro, The Queen of England, The King of Malta and my wife. Yes, I met my wife on a treadmill somewhere around the Republic of Chile… she was working with the local Basques at the time, trying to sort out some of the self-determination issues that still resided in the Spanish Constitution of 1978.

All of this seems quite amazing in written form, but I assure you that I’m just your average guy. I have lived a wonderfully full life, filled with extreme highs and lows. Although I must say that since moving to Sydney in 2000 (I was originally here to compete in the Olympics – I’m an amazing wrestler), I have come across a great deal of problems when trying to find other travel treadmill enthusiasts.

So, if you could please assist me with some tickets to see the OK GO Treadmill show, I’m certain I could meet with some other, treadmill travel enthusiasts (I’d also love to hear about the band’s own travels on treadmills).

–
Kind Regards,
Simon Hills-Johnes

PS.
I planned to attach a photo of my rig, but most of my belongings were lost along with my wife and 9 children in a freak fire while we were working on the Gullfaks C offshore oil platform in the North Sea some time around the late 90′s. I can draw a rough sketch, though I assure you my skills are strictly limited to treadmill customisation and wrestling.

From: Zoh McEnally
Date: 17 February 2010 15:56
Subject: Re: OK GO
To: Simon Hills-Johnes

Hey Simon.
Obviously you’re the winner.
Your name will be on our guest list tomorrow night with a +1.

Cheers : )

———————————————————————————————-

A fabulous stranger, Sheree89, has informed me that tickets were only $40 each… this is still the most I’ve ever been paid for words (on a per word basis).

I offered to buy Zoh some organic fish head soup… but I’m yet to get a reply.

The band themselves were actually great, although I usually prefer my culturally significant pop culture references with a little less personality. I’d love to tell you all about it, but I’d much prefer to finish off the vinegary white wine that I found stewing away in the bottom drawer of my desk.

Ridiculously,
Simon Hills-Johnes