Last week, during a particularly cold and sober evening on the outskirts of this fine city; I consumed my own body mass in cheap dumplings and attended a filming of the Gruen Transfer. As I sat there watching Tommy Dean warm up the audience, I was considering three things.
- Why don’t I attend more free filmings of stuff?
- Why the fuck did I eat those dumplings?
- Could I pull off Tommy Dean’s hair-do?
Fifteen minutes later, once the audience’s chuckles turned to real, human laughter; Will Anderson came out and said hello. He began introducing the panelists for the show, and aside from the usual attendees… there was suddenly a rather interesting woman on stage.
She was quite remarkable in the purest sense of the word, in that was by no means archetypically stunning; but there was something utterly curious about her.
Her nose was rather strong and sharp, which sat in the middle of her long, drawn out face. She had a full, mane of blonde’ish hair; and a voice like an ageing drag queen.
She would have been at least six foot four and possessed the imposing frame of either a Netball Goal Shooter, or an Easter Show Axe Man. Perhaps the strangest thing about this sexy, towering female… was the fact that I was CERTAIN that I knew her.
I began fumbling through the mangroves of my mind, trying my best to discover how and why I knew her.
Had I worked with her? Was she an actor? Had I offended her at some cheesy awards evening? Had we played football together?
It was probably about ten minutes or so, before I finally realized… I had placed my tongue in her mouth and groped at her breasts (probably in an awkward, seventeen-year-old-esque manner). Her name was Caro.. or Caroline… or Carrie… possibly Polly? I have no god damn idea – but we had hooked up at a friend’s house warming many years ago.
As soon as I remembered how I had met her – I also recalled a dear friend’s words instantly:
“The funniest part of the evening, was watching you make out with her as you sat on her lap”
At this point, I was considering four things:
- Do I have a thing for sexy, larger women?
- Why the fuck did I eat those dumplings?
- Could I pull off Will Anderson’s hair-do?
The moral to this story is, if you ever find yourself at the lonely corner of Harris Street and Ultimo Road: don’t eat the fucking dumplings.
All my love,
John Wisehammer
EDITORS NOTE: Series 3 of The Gruen Transfer premiers tonight during Origin; a genius programming decision by the ABC.
Yes, yes, yes.
I have no recollection of this (that’s not to say it didn’t happen, this sounds like something I’d do in my teen years) – I am thoroughly amused though. Who’s housewarming??
And I’m only 6’2″, I was wearing heels for the non observant.
Cheers,
CM
I helped make the losing Blobfish ad.
I really like the style of the website. I had a peek at your source code, hope you don’t mind, to check what theme you are using. Is it it a no cost theme or do I have to purchase it?