A life ban is no easy achievement. It takes a lot of booze, a total lack of planning and a severe disregard for the property of others.
I already had life bans at Fraser Suites, Westfield Chatswood, Kam Fook Chinese Restaurant, Rebel Sport NSW and Paradise Resort on the Gold Coast… but Last Friday, I was lucky enough to add Four Points Sheraton to this prestigious list.
You see, last Friday evening, two girls from the country who I had met the week before, came down to Sydney for a visit and asked a friend and I to take them out on the town (first mistake).
We arrived at the predrinks at the Sheraton at the prompt time of 11pm, having already consumed close to 6 bottles of wine before arriving at the ‘predrinks’ (second mistake).
We laughed at the girls attempts to keep us under control as we decimated their minibar, sucking back tiny bottles of wine, gin, beer and vodka. This extra bout of booy confidence enabled us to remove the smoke alarm, soark up a few cigarettes and begin to really run riot in the hotel room.
Some harmless damage was done, and somehow the phone landed in the toilet and was flushed several times (third mistake). That’s when there was a loud bang at the door.
The security guard troop barged through the room, glared at the collage of bottles and rubbish that was once the floor and informed us that by removing the smoke alarm we had sent an automatic call to the fire brigade.
Receiving no help from the girls, security informed us that the fine would be a quick $200.00 and asked us to leave the hotel room immediately.
We packed up our things and left with our pride in tact, popping the fine in the bin on the way out and burst back onto the street to prance around the city, with my junk free as a bird.
We drank and free-balled from club to club until approximately 6am, when my compadre made his way home. It was too bright to continue clubbing, so I made my way back to the hotel to continue my path of destruction and possibly try my wares with the young country lasses. (fourth mistake)
I stumbled into the Hotel foyer liquored up beyond belief and, my bladder bloated with booze, I patted down the walls in search of the mens. However, before finding a urinal, I found a rather elegant elevator and, appreciating that I may not find another lift with quite the same quality of solitude, I began my Spartan piss (fifth mistake). Whilst the lift took quite some time to reach the girls’ upper level room, my piss took considerably longer.
Careful not to electrocute myself I rinsed the grubby finger-prints from the buttons with my ethanol stream when the doors opened. I imagined some poor family was going to find me wrapping up my marathon urination, no such luck though, the hallways were empty and after shaking off I gleefully zipped down to the girl’s hotel room, got nude and hopped into bed.
Within minutes, there was a knock at the door, and having forgotten the earlier altercation with the security entourage, I got out of bed and opened the door.
It was the same crew of rent-a-cops from earlier in the evening and I watched the young man in charge visibly tremble with rage as I stood before him naked. He informed me that he had video footage of my elevator release and I was apparently in some serious hot water. He asked me to leave immediately and slapped me with another $150 cleaning fee fine.
As you do with Any rent-a-cop – I called his bluff. (Sixth and final mistake.)
I was hauled downstairs and put into the office where I was photographed, yelled at and the police were called as I was shown the evidence in question of my night’s antics.
I was informed of my life ban from the Sheraton – My picture and details were hung up upon the wall and the police (who were actually very jovial and understanding about the whole situation) simply drove me back to my friend’s house as “They really couldn’t do anything about what I had done” as it was not illegal (this was a luck surprise) but as i was such a mess they, thought it would be best for me to be put into bed.
Anyway… I now hang a copy of my life ban on my bedroom wall, it sits above the others, like the Oscar Statue amongst my Emmys and Logies. I’m not sure where I’ll get banned from next… but I can assure you, it will be all class.
Malakai Isadorable
hahaha i love this!