Fuck cows eat people

It’s post-xmas, the recession is on, uni’s still out and times are tough… however, there is one virtually limitless resource still left on planet Earth; humans. Tired of eating two-minute noodles? Here is a guide on the tastiest parts of the human body and how to put them to good use.

Cannibalism and Autocannabalism.
It was initially suggested to me by my esteemed editor that I could suggest a few techniques for isolating and consuming tasty parts of the self. Autocannabalism may be slightly more ethical than murdering acquaintances to make a roast dinner, even if the other person consents (like that guy in Germany). However, unless you are the world’s best and most limber vascular surgeon, I doubt it is possible to remove an organ, limb, muscle or even large section of one’s own skin without bleeding to death. Besides if Morrissey has taught us anything at all (besides how to be a hip miserable bastard) it’s that all meat is murder, so I say go crazy!

If the idea of autocannabalism (eating parts of yourself, not to be confused with endocannabalism, eating people from your community) appeals to you I would suggest going as fresh as possible. Take a few bites out of your forearms or small pieces of flesh from your thighs. If your immune system is ok you should be able to get a few grams of meat out of small wounds (not much bigger than a 20c piece and not delving into the muscle) and still be able to recover adequately. I should also specify that if the idea of autocannabliasm does appeal, you should probably seek psychiatric help.

Classic Cannibalism
What to Eat

Muscle, eat muscle! What we think of as ‘meat’, such as steak, is the larger muscles of animals. A well cooked piece of human muscle is no more likely to be contaminated with bacteria than a nice T-Bone. I’ve heard human tastes like pork.

As for cooking, following the traditional methods of preparation for any particular organ is probably a safe way to hop the train to flavour town. I.e. pate is made from the liver of a duck or goose and there’s no reason you shouldn’t be able to do that with a human liver, as long as the subject of your salivatory intentions has a lot of fat in their liver (most Westerners do).

The same goes for ‘sweetbreads’ which is actually the thymus and pancreas. There’s no reason human endocrine glands could not be eaten the same way as that of a pig, although, eating organs that secrete gastric enzymes and immune cells (human or pig) strikes me as particularly disgusting.

What Not to Eat
Brains, Nervous Tissue and Spines.

Children, stay away from the nervous system. I cannot stress this enough. Firstly, I think these might be the three least appetising tissue types in the body, brains, nerves and spines being respectively gelatinous or tough and stringy like a cross between over cooked chicken and spaghetti. Secondly, eating the nervous system will kill you by making your own brain melt. That might sound a tad dramatic even for an article on eating your fellow humans but it is essentially true. Eating brains is a quick and simple way to become infected with a disease called Kuru (a cute name for a horribly debilitating neurological ailment also known as transmissible spongiform encephalopathy). We know this from studying cultures in which cannibalism was de rigueur;
take for example the Fore tribe of Eastern Papua New Guinea.

Mid twentieth century these guys were found to still be regularly indulging in delicacies of the homo sapien derivation, some try and clean this story up by claiming the Fore were would eat their own relatives after death (yeah right, murderous bastards).
The Kuru disease seemed mostly restricted to women and young people. This is because whilst the men took the delicious muscle tissue and fatty organs women and children were left to fend for themselves with nothing but the brain and spine for dinner. Hence, we can deduce that brain and spine were the mode of transmission.
Even more interesting is that the pathogen that causes Kuru has been found to be more than your average germ. Spongiform encephalopathy is actually a prion; a tiny protein molecule that (theoretically) gets into your brain and causes all the protein molecules that are already there to refold so they’re shaped like the prion (a.k.a Mad Cow Disease).
Basically, eat a brain and you’re gonna lose your shit. You’ll be a zombie, except with less motor skills than an actual zombie. No thanks. If somebody offers you a brain sandwich at a party kids just say no. Even if all your friends are doing it.

Hearts
If you’re going to eat hearts I wholeheartedly suggest you stick to children as your victims. There’d be no tougher dish than the cold black hearts of fat Western capitalist bastards. This works well as a metaphor but it’s true too! With the rates of heart disease in western society the cardiac muscle is likely to be hypertrophied (overdeveloped) and over pumping its way to a ticking infarct timebomb. Even athletes get this hypertrophic muscle tissue in their hearts. Go elsewhere.

To prepare heart I’d recommend a quick removal be severing the nearby vessels, Once you’ve removed the heart from the body you should be able to see slight ridges where the heart is divided in to its four chambers. Make sharp cuts along these ridges, divide the four chambers into small fillets and scrape out the endothelium (inner lining) before frying with some fat to tenderise. Make sure you cut out the valves too as these are likely to have an unpleasant texture.

Teeth, Eyes, Bones, Hair. Fingernails.
What are you, an idiot? I need to tell you not to eat these things?

I hope this introductory guide has been illuminating. However, if you’d like more detailed information about a specific delicacy please don’t hesitate to contact me. No Hannibal impersonators need apply.

Eliza Milliken